Friday, July 07, 2006

My brother

I have gone back and forth trying to decide how I could possibly put into words what my life has been like for the past month---how can you sum up the loss of a loved one in a paragraph or two? Does it diminish a life in any way to even try?

What I have come to realize, is that the love I have for my brother will never go away and the only thing that can heal my broken heart is not time, but rather turning to God. I want to document my feelings during this drastically hard period, because I have noticed that the feelings I have had since Kyle's death are not the ones I would have thought I would have. I suppose everyone has allowed themselves to think about how they would handle the loss of a loved one---I know I had thought about it in some vague sense on numerous occasions, but the truth is that you can never really prepare for that kind of loss. We are told to "live every day like it is your last," but we seldom take that to heart. We push away thoughts of death because they are simply too hard to imagine---it is our way of self-preserving. What I have learned is that there is a delicate balance between understanding that life is fragile (and living your life accordingly) and allowing yourself to become consumed with anxiety and fear. We always assume there will be more time, we always assume we will see that person again, we always assume we will have another chance to get it right, but the sad reality is that we are sometimes mistaken.

Yet I don't look back with regret or guilt. I have chosen to believe that God, in His infinite wisdom, took Kyle to be with him in heaven and that we will meet again someday. I don't pretend to know His reasons and when I am having a particularly low moment, I try to simply ask God to help me get through that moment with peace and dignity.

Losing Kyle has changed and will continue to change our entire family. I miss him immeasurably and I still can't quite wrap my mind around the sad fact that I will never see him, hug him or talk to him again. I will never see him laugh in the way only he could and we will never share another sideways glance that only siblings can share. I am devestated that our daughter will never know her uncle and that we will never take our children on trips together or pose for pictures at the beach. I am saddened that my husband won't ever play golf with his brother-in-law or have long talks about life. For 24 years my brother and I have woken up at absurd hours on Christmas morning and walked together to see what Santa brought us during the night---I can't imagine Christmas or any other day without him.

Yet I know that life must go on---it is the way our Creator designed it and I have faith that He is in control. For now, I can only take it minute by minute. I have a daughter to take care of and I know now more than ever that she is a true blessing from God. I know for sure that God will never give us more than we can handle, so I will turn to Him for strength and guidance in the coming weeks, months and years. I know He will be there for me.................

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