Almost 30

I was thinking today how strange it is that I am almost 30 years old. I guess I always thought it would be a major milestone, but it really doesn't feel that different at all, at least not in the way I thought it would. Maybe being so much younger than my husband has something to do with it. I will always be young in comparison to him :) But I just feel excited about it more than anything. I am a wife and mother. We live in a beautiful home and I have wonderful friends and family. Thirty is still so incredibly young and I still have so much more I want to do in this life.......... I have no doubt that losing my brother has made me even more introspective. I don't want to waste ANY of the time I have on this earth and I want the people in my life to know exactly how special they are to me. I miss Kyle so terribly..... Everyone says that only time will heal the pain, but truthfully, as time has passed, I have become even more saddened by his absence. Every single morning I wake, it is the first thing I think about. He is never coming back. It is shocking to me. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that we will never have another conversation, another laugh, another cry. Mostly I just shake my head in disbelief over and over again. All I can do is feel the pain and let it pass until it returns yet again.

I am so grateful for my daughter---words could never express how precious she is to me and what a blessing she has been during my grief. I look at her and know that there is a purpose to this crazy life. Just the other day, I had a minor anxiety attack thinking about the magnitude of responsibility in being her parent. I guess the first months of motherhood were so exhausting that I was only able to focus on putting one foot in front of the other and meeting her basic needs. Now that I have time to really stop and think about parenthood, it scares me to death!!! There is so much I want for her, so much I want to be for her and it just struck me that this is the greatest task we have ever been given = the opportunity to guide her through this life. I can only do my very best and pray that GOd will us everything we need along the way.........